Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Kids Are Like Cats; Mayors Are Like Zombies!


What was that? Did anyone else hear that?


Hmmm. It sounds like it’s getting closer. It sounds like someone is saying ‘change’.


WOW; did you see that? They looked like…I thought…THEY ARE…THEY’RE…



They could be your mayor and city council.

More on that later, but first; a zombie, teachable moment!

It has been suggested that the zombie virus called “Zombititus” was unleashed upon the world when archeologists and/or thieves disturbed the mummies in the ancient tombs of Egypt.

In these first encounters with infected tombs, a long dormant disease was contracted by these early adventurers and passed on through the years from being bitten by someone with the virus or by getting zombie blood into the bloodstream, probably through an open wound or mucous membrane (let’s say ‘mouth’ to avoid any unpleasant, mental pictures).

Symptoms can be very obvious or very innocuous. For instance:

If you are bitten, the wound site will turn black. To avoid detection, I would recommend covering it with a really cool tattoo or wear clothing that will cover it up.

Many zombies may look “normal” and actually do uncomplicated tasks like running for public office as a mayor or city council member, as an example.

Once bitten, you will start feeling delusional and unaware of what is going on. That’s almost a pre-requisite for politics right there!

Then, you will have difficulty performing even the easiest tasks. Bodily functions will decelerate as the mind deteriorates. You will no longer feel pain. I think we’re on to something here.

You “die”, but come back to walk the Earth as the living dead or undead.

You have just entered the political arena where the zombies want to suck out your brains, in order to live and to give life to new zombies. Get ready for that very cool tattoo!

Unbeknownst to you, you are going to attend a city council meeting, which, in fact is a zombie, coming-out party. You are on the guest list. You also happen to be the fire chief awaiting your turn to discuss your budget.

As I sit there, I struggle to hear what is being said.

‘Perhaps you could move closer to the microphone?’

Wait; did that guy’s arm just fall off? I have to cut back on the caffeine.

Finally, the mayor is pointing at me and mumbling something that I can’t understand.

As I go to the podium with notes in hand, I notice that they are all looking at me, mumbling amongst themselves, looking at me, more mumbling-wait; did I just hear something about ‘brains’? Are they insulting me?

As I start my kick-ass, budget presentation, I can sense that the mayor and city council are distracted by what seems to be a smell/odor, because they are sniffing and mumbling.

This portion of the blog is brought to you by Vasoline Intensive Skin Care Lotion…

As I lay out my plans, which calls for closing one station and shifting manpower to the other stations; invoke pay freezes for non-union, administrative positions and an increase in contributions to the health insurance, it appears that I have upset them.

They move closer and closer.

Now; they are standing around me and I notice a dead, fleshy smell.

This portion of the blog is brought to you by Old Spice Body Splash…

They lean in and bite. They got me!

A couple of days pass, my transformation as a zombie is complete and I return home.

The wife immediately and incessantly starts in on me about the long, city council meeting, the drinking afterwards and the ‘you need to take better care of yourself’ crap. Interpretation: you’d better start paying more attention to her or you’re going to get a ball bat taken to your melon.

She couldn’t help but to notice my blank stare; the ‘dead’ eyes, disheveled hair and clothes; the pale, white skin and that almost black-looking wound on the back of my skull (Hit the shelf in the garage again, ya drunk bahstid?)

Well; I’ve had enough of her!

I growl, grab her and just when she thinks I’m about to get lusty and passionate, I bite her in the middle of the forehead.

‘I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Zombie!’

This portion of the blog is brought to you by Zale Jewelers and their ‘Zombies On Fire’ diamond collection…

Now, re-energized; I stagger to my chief’s car, fumble to start it, back out of the driveway and over the neighbor kids’ bicycle (‘It shouldn’t have been there!’)

Neighbor: ‘It was on the porch!’

Down the sidewalk I go on my way to the fire station.

This portion of the blog is brought to you by Hummer with the new, Zombie Deflecta-Shield…

I finally get my cell phone out of its holster to call the battalion chiefs. My hands-free, voice activation feature doesn’t recognize the name that I am mumbling. Frustrated, I use the key pad…1…1…1…1 as I drive through the plaza (literally), I fling the phone out the window, along with my left hand.

Well, I get to the station for the meeting with my top dogs about the budget cuts. Speaking of dogs; as I get out of the car, a dog scurries by with what appears to be a hand-shaped chew toy in its mouth.

I growl. A battalion chief hears me and comments that I haven’t had my usual gallon of coffee. I move towards him, but I’m too slow; he’s been drinking Starbucks with quad shots.

This portion of the blog is brought to you by Starbucks featuring the new low fat, skinny, gluten-free Zombie Combie. Order a Venti Black Eye and get a piece of goat cheese cake free…

As the other battalion chiefs come over to me, they are discussing my ‘appearance’.

‘There’s something different…’

‘You OK, Chief?’

I growl.

They call over the Paramedics. They chalk it up to the ‘hangover that always follows a city council meeting’.

An old jake sees the commotion, comes over and asks, ‘What’s the hub-bub?’

The assembled group says, ‘It’s the chief. He ain’t right!’

The old jake says, ‘That’s why he’s chief!’ (Rim shot)

A dog runs by the apparatus bay door and the jake exclaims, ‘Check his hands!’


‘Just do it. Is he missing a hand?’ asks the jake.


‘Chief’s a frickin’ Zombie’, says the jake.

‘How do you know that?’

‘Because, I’m a TRUCKIE!

So true!

‘And I’ll tell you this: his chosen profession isn’t going to sit well with his Zombititus, because Zombies are scared to death of fire. It’s pretty much a career killer. He’ll want to go defensive on every fire. Guys will think that he’s gone ‘safety soft’. Don’t be a Safety Zombie, blah, blah, blah…

But, how did this happen?

‘Simple; the mayor got to him. There is no cure and it’s irreversible. A Zombie lives, unless he loses his head or his brains are completely sucked out.’ (Insert own joke here)

‘Grab him and hold him down. I’ll go and get the ax’, says the truckie.

I am struggling and mumbling and growling and trying to get away from their tight grip.

“Chief; you must have dozed off. We are ready for your budget report. I hope that you have made the necessary cuts per our discussions”, says the mayor.

And Chief is thinking, “Bunch of brain-sucking zombies!”

Now; if you were keeping track at home, you will notice many similarities between zombies and city councils. Let’s re-cap.

Zombies and mayor/councils are similar because they: (1) Are numb to all pain; (2) Normally, zombies do not respond to people; (3) Have no memory; (4) Are delusional or are unaware of what goes on around them; (5) Cannot perform simple tasks; (6) The mind completely deteriorates; (7) Have zero intelligence; (8) Have no eye/hand coordination; (9) Have no emotion and (10) Have no reasoning skills whatsoever.

I think you get the picture, but before you turn out the lights and go to bed, remember; Zombititus is REAL!

Which reminds me; when is the next city council meeting?

Sleep tight; don’t let the zombies bite!


This article is protected by federal copyright laws under The Adventures of Jake and Vinnie© umbrella. It cannot be re-produced in any form without the expressed, written permission of the article’s author, ChiefReason; otherwise known as Art Goodrich.
Please visit www.fireemsblogs.com and my blog at www.chiefreasonart.com.
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